To Your Heart's Content

If you've read my previous posts, you'll know how much LifeKraze has changed me as a person... My attitude, my perspective on things... But most of all, it made me a positive person overall.

Here's what I noticed today though: I'm positive for everyone else, but myself.

I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to live my life at peace with myself and in my heart. I give advice and comfort others, but I can't find it within myself to do the same for myself...

I quoted an article on a previous post that was about depression, and I've briefly talked about my own... But I think now I want to talk about it more in depth from my own point of view.

Last night, I had an argument with someone.

The argument was pretty simple: I did all I could for them... All these small but nice gestures to make them happy and help them have a better day. And I expected nothing in return for it.

The thing is, I didn't even get five minutes of their time. I spent my day being ignored after trying my hardest to give them all of my time and effort. I guess I did expect at least their time.

I felt alone.

And honestly, I've felt alone all my life. But I depend on this person to, you know, be there for me too.

That's the mistake I make though. Two mistakes actually: I give my all; I focus on everyone else but me... And I depend on others to bring me happiness.

I just love helping people and making them happy. But I've realized that most of those people end up leaving very harshly, or stay and take advantage of me. I'm here forever, and they know that, so they don't really need to try to keep me or try to appreciate me.

What if I disappeared. Would they finally appreciate me? Or would it be the opposite: Would they forget me eventually?

I've always felt that killing myself was always the best option for everyone else. My parents would be happier, my friends would be happier, just everyone in general would be happier if I never existed. I don't know how I got to that strong mentality, but I did. And honestly, I don't know how to get it out of my head anymore.

I want people to appreciate me and love me the way I am.

I am constantly changing myself for others. I am the person they want me to be, and not at all anything I want myself to be. I don't even think I know what I want to be anymore because all of their voices have clouded my own. I can't hear myself anymore. I can't feel my own feelings or think my own thoughts. My head says "What do they want?" or "How can I make it better for them?"

What about me? When will it ever be about me?

And ironically, I've been called selfish many times. It has to be my way or the highway. I'm stubborn. I'm selfish.

Why? Because I ask for one thing, I don't get it, and I blow up... Everything I held inside of me finally comes out. 

Sometimes I feel like I should never ask for anything, or maybe just become mute. Never talk. They'll never know what I want or what I feel or what I think. It can be just like dying, but better. Everyone gets what they want or need from me, and I never get called selfish or stupid for asking for something.

I really wish I didn't have to be this dark, but it's how I feel. I feel this every night. I wish I could just see someone appreciate me, just for one day. Just love me and be with me, for me. I want to be myself and I want to be at peace and happy.

The argument that I was talking about, it ended up into a little talk of how we feel. I said my side, but then it turned out that they had been holding something in for a long time. They feel alone. They feel like they have no close friends. That I'm the only one they've ever been close to.

And I sat there as they cried. I hugged them, I comforted them, I gave them advice.

In the end, they left saying "I feel really happy. I feel relaxed, like inside. I feel a lot better, thanks to you."

And how do I feel?

Still lonely. Still depressed... Probably even more so now. I feel like all I'm good for is for someone to let their shit out onto me and leave. I'm everyone's personal psychologist, and the problem is this: I suck in all of their problems as if they were my own. And I worry. And I think of ways to fix it for them. And I work my ass off to make them happier as they sit there and have a pity party for themselves.

And I end up just here, depressed.

I really want to go driving around aimlessly. Or just lay on the grass and look at the stars during those type of nights. I just want to finally relax on my own and enjoy life. I want to feel a part of life. I want to see the magnificent and beautiful side of things. And I know my mind is clouded by the depression and anxiety, but I would give anything in the world to fix it. To make it go away.

I need help. I really do. But I just can't seem to get the help I need. It doesn't seem like anyone wants to help, except for the psychologists that cost $150 a session. I don't want pills, and I don't want someone to talk to. I want someone who actually treats me like a human being and cares for my well-being and wants to actually help me out. Who has been through what I'm going through and can relate and can help.

I want to feel God in my heart. I want to feel loved. I want to feel happy and at peace. I want to be able to forgive and forget. I want to be able to move on. I want to be able to live in today, and not in the past or the future. I want to be able to focus on myself. I want to treat myself as well as I treat others. I want to see myself as beautiful and strong and amazing and wonderful and precious and unique.

When I look in the mirror, all I see is disappointment and nothing. I see no future. I see stress and anxiety. I see ugly and weak.

I don't want to see that anymore. I don't know if it's there or not, but I don't want it to be true.

I just want to live out my life and see myself make a difference in the world and in other's lives. I say it so much, but it's really the only thing I want for my future. But I don't know how I can live another day feeling so alone and so unloved. And for all the people around me that say they love me, why is it so hard to show it?

Why is it so hard for me to want to keep living?

Why is it so hard for me to find love and help?

If no one can help me, then please God help me. I don't know what to do anymore.

I focus my mind on daily goals and such to stay distracted but I don't know how much longer that will last.

I need a fix, not a distraction. And I hope one day I can find it.

And to any of you that feel the same way, I hope you can find your fix too. Just remember, when it comes to this, you're definitely not alone.

Love you all.

Kat <3