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Sunday, March 10, 2013

Letting It Out, Part 3: The Present

It's been a week since the "incident" where I basically lost my car, my home, and my family.

I'll explain that in this post, but I need to first start with a little bit of background information.

If you haven't read the first two parts of this series of posts, you may find them here:

Thank you all for reading these, it's been very hard for me to let this out and I'm really glad I have help and connected with fellow readers.  

So, let's start at what you need to know.

I lent my car to a friend for $600, so he can move into his new apartment with his girlfriend and cousin's help. My mom didn't like this, but I had $4000 of collateral and his ID / passport etc. I thought it was a good deal while I'm looking for a job. 

I found a job, he moved into his apartment, all was good. I got my car back on Saturday. 

Let me add a story before I get to Sunday:

The weekend before, my boyfriend's family had a wedding. His mom was kind enough to pay for a haircut and make-over (shown in the picture for these posts). 

Every single person that saw, complimented me. Not one person went by without saying how nice I looked. I'm not even exaggerating this. People would come up to me and tell me twice. "You look beautiful!"

Mind you, I don't dress up often, I don't do my own makeup at all, and my hair was looking awful before the hair cut. So it was a very nice change and I was getting really good feedback.

That night I didn't go home, and I couldn't take my makeup off (I have a special non-allergy makeup remover). In the morning, people who saw me were still complimenting me on my hair and makeup.

So I go home, excited to show my mom how I look.

She saw me. 

She. Said. Nothing.

She bitched about my car.

She came up to me about five times.

The car.

I looked beautiful, amazing, different... I felt good about myself for the first time in a very long time.

And she was the only one that didn't have anything to say.

I took my makeup remover and left to my boyfriend's house.

I was dreading the question, but it came anyways: "What did your mom say about your makeup and hair? It still looks perfect!"

She said nothing. 

All my life, every time I've tried to talk to my mom and spend time with her... It was always "I talk too much" or "I shouldn't have done that" or just always something negative. Especially when I was at the peak of my depression. I wouldn't take care of myself at all, and she always had something to say about it. Or she had nothing to say at all.

I spend time with my boyfriend's family, or anyone else's family, and they let me talk my mouth off and they interact with me and pay attention to me and they enjoy my company and they never bring me down. They give me advice and constructive criticism, but it's never hurtful or harmful in any way. They want the best for me, and they know how to tell me and show it. 

My boyfriend's mom has been giving me great advice about my mom and dad. She doesn't tell me I'm stupid or stubborn or wrong. She doesn't compare me to anyone else. She doesn't bring me down. She tells me to handle things, and how to handle them, and that I can do it. 

Anyways, now to Sunday.

I had spent all morning working on this blog and on my project, Serenity Online. I was having a pretty good day compared to the rest of the week. Things had been tense with my mom since the wedding issue. I didn't want to talk to her and it didn't seem like I existed at all since that day. My step-dad was the same as always.

My mom comes into my room for the first time in the entire week and asks for the car keys to move the car. I was blocking her car from getting out of the driveway. A little weird, because she would usually just ask one of us to move the car as she gets out, but I didn't say anything.

A while later, she comes back in and gives the key to my boyfriend. Or that's what I thought happened.

I didn't see clearly from my bed, but she had given him only the chain the key had been on.

I found out when she started saying how she took the tag and insurance off the car for backstabbing her and being disrespectful.

Backstabbing her? Disrespectful?

For lending the car to my friend. 

I can get into a whole other story, but to make it short... I had an opportunity to make $6000 over a span of 10 months. I asked her permission, she said she'd think about it. We went through the whole process of it, getting a professional opinion and all, and at the last minute she says no. Why? Because it didn't benefit her. We never got that professional opinion that would've probably said otherwise. And it's been this way all my life. If it doesn't do something for her, then she's not going to waste her time and effort.

So this was a very similar situation.

I asked her, "How am I going to get to work? I got the car back yesterday and I have a job starting on Monday."

She walked away and locked herself in her room. Like always.

She gets her word in, and then ignores what I have to say. One way street.

How am I supposed to be a full-time student and a full-time worker at two jobs, without a car?

Take a bus.

I have to get from one job to the other within an hour. Miami buses take 2-3 hours to get around, and that's not even considering how far apart my two jobs and my schools are.

But she wouldn't listen.

Now, I am the type of person that bottles everything up until it's too much. And yeah, I exploded.

I cried. I screamed. I broke her door down. I told her everything. Everything I've written in the past two posts.

How depressed I am. How she put me on pills and with a crap therapist. How I just want to be loved. How she choked me. How she didn't compliment my hair. How her and my dad have never been there for me. How she doesn't listen. How stressed I am.

I need my car to live my life. She took my credit card away already. That's a fair punishment. No gas money from her, I have to figure it out. Okay, that's fine. Take my TV away. My internet, phone, whatever. You want to punish me, then do it. But how are you going to punish me in a way that halts everything going on in my life.

No car means I can't transfer to a better, yet farther from home, school like I wanted to.

No car means I can't accept the two job offers I received. 

And the car is mine. It's only the tag and insurance I need. How hard is it to just forgive this one incident. I helped someone out, and they helped me out with $600. How is that bad? Take everything else away. I can live without all those nice things like TV and internet and whatever else. But how is an 18 year old, almost 19 year old girl, supposed to work and go to school full-time with no transportation?

And that's another thing. How hard is it to forgive?

I've messed up a million times, I know that. Every teenager does. But I've apologized, and I've felt bad for each of my mistakes. And you made sure to make me feel very guilty, and you've made sure to bring the whole family against me to lecture me and make me feel guilty. But you have never forgiven me.

You told me you'd make my life hell. And you did.

But why?

I'm your daughter. Don't you want to see me go out and be successful?

Why would you want to make my life hell? Why would you want to bring me down and destroy me?

And the worst part is, after telling her everything... After telling her how I feel. The depression. The Stress. The lack of love I feel.

She denied it all. She ignored it.

She said my eyes looked like racoon eyes that weekend of the wedding.

What about my hair? My hair was brushed and perfect.

She had nothing to say, again.

After telling her how stressed I am. How I'm trying to handle things on my own. Take responsibility. Deal with things. Get my life going, with these two jobs. How I need the car for this. I need the car. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I can't stay home all my life. I can't be 40 and living at home. I need to get going, and work hard and be successful. I need help. I need love. I'm depressed. She doesn't make dinner for me anymore. She never wants to talk to me or spend time with me. I will finally be out of her life once I start working and getting my project going. She won't have to worry about me anymore. That's what they've always wanted, isn't it? I'm only there so they can get extra deductibles on their income taxes. After trying to reach out for her for the millionth time...

What's her final say?

She wants me out now.

She told me I have 6 months to get insurance for the car and pay for it. And I have a year to move out.

If I ever want to go back home, I'm welcome to sleep on the garage floor.

And as to the "feeding me"

I've always had a can of spaghettios for me to eat... 
Sounds real healthy... Spaghettios, breakfast, lunch, and dinner...

I have never felt so betrayed in my life. 

I hear of kids my age wanting to move out, and their parents threaten to stop paying their college tuition and food and gas and everything.

My mom stopped paying for food and gas a while ago. And now I have no choice but to move out.

In a year, I won't have a home. My car curfew is 9PM until 6 months from now, which is great if my job didn't go past that.

I may lose two great job offers. Along with my car. My home. My education. My family.

I've stayed at my boyfriend's house this past week. We watched movies with his mom and little brother. And we had family dinners. And they welcomed me with open arms.

And it depresses me more.

Why can't I have welcoming arms at home? Why can't I spend time with my parents in the same way?

Why isn't there "family" anymore?

It's all about them. Individualistic thinking, if that's even a word...

I can't have a car. Okay, then tell me how I can get to school and my two jobs. No solution? Then what am I supposed to do?

You can't pay for my medical treatments, make me dinner, pay for my car insurance or gas, or anything else that helps me...

But you can buy a new xbox 360 with a bunch of game, a new camera, a new laptop, a new stationary bycicle (even though I'm trying to win you a new elliptical), a new everything for you. Things you barely use or don't use at all.

But you can't help me.

You don't even need to buy or pay for anything.

Just love me.

You can't even do that...

All my life I have felt unloved and you can't even see that.

I tell you over and over again.

And what's your response?

"You've seen me as a perfect person. But I'm not. I make mistakes, but I have been the best mother and I know that."

I know you're not perfect. And thank you for making assumptions. But I don't think anyone is perfect. I know people make mistakes. I've made mistakes, and you've given me hell for it. But for every "mistake" you've made, you've never apologized. And even as I told you this, you ignored me. You didn't hear me out, and you walked away. You and my step-dad, both. I thought my step-dad loved me. I backed him up and defended him against others that didn't understand him. And now I'm the one being misunderstood, and he turns his back away from me. They both turned their backs on me.

What am I supposed to do?

I'm even more stressed and depressed than I was before. 

And actually I was looking into going to therapy, and I found someone perfect for me and my situation. But I can't afford him. And my mom doesn't want to pay. She wants me to go to another creep that will give bad advice and put me on drugs.

I'm depressed. I'm stressed out. I'm starving. I'm having a hard time. I'm asking for help and love.

I'm asking you not to make my life hell, as you promised.

And you turned your back on me.

And then the next day, you act like nothing ever happened.

Of course, life is going great for you. You have everything you ever want and need. And your daughter is finally getting out of your life. No more taking your anger out on her for no reason. No more arguments about how she disrespected you and backstabbed you. She's out in a year. Woohoo!

I wish for one day, my parents could deal with half the people I know. The true disrespect and shit I see on a daily basis. I wish she knew. I try so hard. And this is what I get.

The one thing she had from me, even with all the shit I've been through and all the anger and hurt I feel... The one thing she had was my success in the future. I would back her up and be there for her for all her life. I would share my wealth and happiness with her. I would share it all with her, even if she didn't do the same for me.

But now, I'm finding it hard to even call her a mother.

I feel disowned. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed.

I feel like she was never there for me, and this is her way out finally. 
My dad found a way out two years ago, now it's her turn.

They don't want me, and they never did. And this definitely confirmed it.

If she would just come into my room and say "I love you, and I'm sorry for ever making you feel unloved and abadondoned. I'm always here for you and I want the best for you. I'm just trying to teach you a lesson." Then YES. TEACH ME. 

But how am I learning anything right now?

I'm learning that I can't trust my family anymore.
I don't trust anyone. 

They're all going to leave me. Abandon me.

I have conflicting emotions ever day. I try and try and everyone just ends up leaving me.

And I end up thinking to myself... What's wrong with me?

And people tell me, it's not you. It's them.

But my mom? My dad? My step-dad?

They made me. They raised me. And just like that, they don't want me?

Take my car. If you really think that's a fit punishment, then fine. 
But show me a way to get to my schools and my jobs and to get my life going.
That's something you've never shown me.

How to be successful.

I know how to lay in bed all day, hopeless. Thinking that I can't do anything. I won't succeed in anything. I won't amount to anything in life.

Take my car away. I'll continue to lay in bed all day. 

I've thought about it a lot, but that day was the first day in a long time where I wanted to kill myself.
Just go downstairs into the garage, "sleep on the floor."

Turn on both cars, and die of carbon monoxide poisoning.

I've thought about it a lot.

But the only reason I've never done it is because I thought I had a chance to do something with my life, and make a difference and do something right for once.

And last Sunday, I lost all hope.

And I told you this. I told you I was losing hope. Just give me the car and I'll make things better. I'm sorry for making you feel disrespected and backstabbed, but I've had those feelings all my life and you have never once apologized.

You've really thrown me off a cliff here.

What am I supposed to do?

What 18-19 year olds have alive and healthy, full-time working parents, and pay for their own car insurance? You pay $40 a month. I know I will have to pay ten times more than that, even with the cheapest insurance.

And the car is still limited to me. My "curfew" is 9PM. Why couldn't that be the original punishment?

I can compromise. I can listen to you and understand where you're coming from and why you chose to do what you do. But why can't you sit down and listen to me too? Why can't we compromise? I am so willing to do what you want, if only you saw my side of things.

You chose to leave your home at 17. You chose your life style. You're not giving me a choice here at all.

You chose to drop out of high school and get married. You chose to go back to college in your 30s.

I thought the point was to learn from your mistakes?

Now I can't go to college. Who's going to pay for it? Who's going to pay for my transportation there? How am I going to accept these two job offers without a car? Without reliable transportation as it said on the applications.

I feel lost. And I feel even more alone than before.

And you won't listen. You won't help.

I really don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for rambling, but this has been the hardest week of my life.

I've just been trying to focus on Serenity Online. I have one investor, and one other interested investor. If I can get this person interested in my project, I can become a millionaire like he is. I can start up my life again, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for things. And then, I can help others. I can help them off the streets, out of abuse, out of bullying, out of depression. 

I guess I can thank you, both mom and dad, for one thing.

Thank you for making me realize that people need help, and that I can offer it. People that don't have support, that feel alone and unloved and hopeless. I want to give them hope.

Thank you for making me stronger. And thank you for bringing me into this world.

As hard as it's been, I've had some really great experiences.

I wish I had more with you, but it's okay.

We'll see what happens.

And every day, I will work on forgiving and forgetting. But right now, I just don't know how I can do that. I don't trust either of my parents, and it's sad. I want to trust them. I just don't want to be abandoned, again.

If you're still reading this, I give you patience award of the year. Sorry for my rambling, and really, thank you for letting me share this with you and the rest of the world.

I think I got most of my worries and problems out of the way, so tomorrow I hope to start my first 6 Week Challenge!

I'm going to finish this post off with a picture from The Unknown; but not hidden and The Daily Post.

The Unknown; but not hidden.

The Daily Post

 Love you all.

Kat <3




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