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Tuesday, March 05, 2013

A Little Piece of Me

My first post was all about the blog and my starting point.

This second, but just as important, post is going to be more about me and who I am and what I do and what I love and why. 

If you want to get to know me better, this post is the best place to start.


For now, I'm going to start with something that really inspired me... It's actually a blog post from LifeKraze's blog. 
"I don’t have children so for the next five minutes I am virtually adopting you.
    Why this extravagant act of generosity, you ask? Well, it’s not so I can kvetch about how you never call or write. (Although…)
    Nor is it to bequeath my treasured possessions while I am still alive to see you enjoy them. Nope, the beer-can collection and plastic doll-lady with a lamp coming out of her head are staying right where they are.
    But I do have one other thing of value, and it’s for this that I’ve called you together. It’s a piece of wisdom, hard won, that is worth at least a million dollars. (Think of all the beer cans and lady-lamps that would buy!)
    It is this: Be happy right now. 
    Be. Happy. Right. Now.
    If I have a single regret in my advanced years, it’s that no one ever told me this.
    I’ve spent uncountable hours, days, years even, planning to be happy. When I lose 10 pounds. When I pass this class. If only I was faster, stronger, richer, more organized, more marketable.
    If I’d been productive with all that time I wasted on wishing and waiting, I’m sure I’d be worth at least a million dollars. So I’m giving you my million-dollar idea: Be happy right now.
    I hate that as a child I hated my thighs. In eighth grade, I wouldn’t wear jeans. In college, all I wanted was to be 10 pounds thinner. In Texas, I was thin, and all I wanted was to be loved.
    Today, I would give anything (even the beer-can collection) to be the weight I was in college—or even the weight I was on my wedding day, when I cried because I wasn’t 10 pounds lighter.
    So I want you to do this for me. (I ask so little.) Tomorrow, please spend *all day* loving who you are right now. Just enjoy yourself, your good and not-so-good, as you are. For one day, don’t try to be thinner or faster or smarter or richer.
    Celebrate who you are *right now.*
    Of course in your mother’s eyes you’re already perfect. And let’s face it, mothers are never wrong.
    All I’m asking is for 24 hours of you being content with yourself.
    Oh, but also, would it kill you to call your mother?"
You may see the blog post [here].
LifeKraze has become a big part of my life recently. I joined this community a month ago, maybe more, I don't really remember right now. It has felt like a life-time honestly. I grew up with emotional abuse, harsh words, lack of a support system, depression, anxiety, guilt, and no kindness what-so-ever. If I ever found kindness, it was sharply taken away by force, and I was always left with the same one-worded question: Why?
I thought this life was normal. Kids don't get encouragement or support or acknowledgement or love until they are 18 years old and can be called "adults." That's what I used to think and tell myself on a daily basis. And now that I'm an "adult," I realized that I was very, very wrong.

If you'd like to skip a whole story, just continue from the part that's not in blue.

There are so many memories that come to mind as I write this. The one that haunts me the most is one of when my uncle died unexpectedly. No one told me the truth as to why he died and no one invited me to the funeral. 
I remember crying for days and hours and every time I thought of him. He was probably the only one on my dad's side of the family that treated me like a child
A child: someone you show magic tricks to and play games with. One you make Donald Duck impressions to. One that you shouldn't tell how their mother is a bitch and there's no reason to pay child-support. One that you don't show court papers to, reading line by line explaining how the child's mother fucked you over. One that you love and take care of, not leave to somebody else's responsibility.
So now that we all know the definition of what I think a child should be, we all know that this uncle of mine, King, was one of the only people that treated me like one. And he died. Out. Of. Nowhere. 
I didn't have a chance to say good bye, or tell him I love him, or anything.

I remember, I was in the car with my mom and I started crying. She asked me why I was crying and I told her, "I miss King." And I remember the words she said to me:

"Crying won't bring him back from the dead."

I was hoping for something like  "Aww, it's okay, I'm here for you" or "It's part of life, I'll help you through it."

No.

I got a "stop being a cry-baby" bitching like I often got as a kid.

I wish I had cried more. I wish I had let my grieving process live its course. 

I have a scar on my left arm from that time (aka, 5-6 years ago). It's from cutting myself too deeply with a knife. I told everyone a bullshit story about how I got cut by a sword in Kung Fu class. Mind you, this was in my 8th grade and I have no idea how anyone believed that story. Or maybe no one cared. But now I look at that scar and I regret not crying more. Now I'm working twice as hard to develop some normal emotions about anything. I'm either too extreme, or too numb. I put those things that hurt me in the back of my mind until I explode. And it's bad, really bad.

There's a huge list of things I could change of the past. And that in itself sucks. But I'm starting to realize now what I needed in the past...

I need to be happy with myself, right now. I needed to be happy with myself in the past, and I wasn't. And every one pushed me down further, and I learned to dig myself into a hole. I want to get myself out of that hole, and be happy. I get closer and closer each day, and I want to continue and get better.  

Be. Happy. Right. Now.

The people and community of LifeKraze give me words of encouragement, cheering up, help, hope, happiness, love, friendliness, kindness, so much positivity. I lived my life surrounded by negative people and negative situations, and it became a part of my life... An addiction, as my psychology teacher would call it. I'm starting to break this addiction, with the help of LifeKraze and other things (Gratitude Journals, Habit Keepers, Organizers, etc).

I feel at my best when I have short-term goals that I can complete and feel accomplished with. When I exercise. When I make music. When I help someone and show them I love them. When someone shows me love. When I cheer people on in LifeKraze and when I get words of encouragement in return. When I have a future to look forward to that opposes my past.

And I try everyday to get these things.

But it's twice as hard when half of those things were never a part of my life until a month ago. And I can admit to this: I need help.

I have sought out help everywhere possible, and either it's unaffordable or just not helpful at all. So this time, I'm going to take things into my own hands. I'm going to give myself the help I need, and I'm going to write about it and ask for the help of my fellow LifeKrazers for encouragement. <3

The next paragraphs will be about a few challenges I will want to overcome within the life of this blog, and hopefully you'll learn a lot about me through these challenges.

My Love of Music
I used to play piano a lot. I grew up taking piano lessons, and performing, and loving it.
This stopped in high school due to a low self-esteem, and I haven't been able to pick it back up since. I get too nervous in front of an audience. I feel like they're going to judge me and I'm going to play horribly and mess up in every piece I play. I never used to feel like this, and I hope to get back to that point of confidence in myself and my talent enough to play again and feel happy about it.

My Current Dilemma
I have 6 months to get my car, a Volkswagen Beetle, and put it under my name and pay for the tag and insurance on my own. Then, I have a year to move out of my house.
Don't ask why, maybe I'll write another post about it later, but right now it's a bit too painful and stressful to write about.
I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I'm going to figure it out some how.

Exercise
As I mentioned before, I'm happiest when I'm exercising daily. 
My boyfriend and I are going to design workout plans for each other, and we're going to be each others coach. He'll help me reach my goal, and I'll help him reach his. If, by the end of the 6 weeks, we don't see the results we want, we switch it up for another 6 week challenge.

 TV Shows & Books
I was never really a fan of watching TV. I think it wastes too much of my time, but I tend to over-work myself. If there's nothing I'm working on or stressing too much about, I'm going to take a 6 week break... This sounds absolutely insane to me right now, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to watch all those TV Shows people keep pressuring me to watch: Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, Doctor Who, Revenge, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, etc. AND, I'm going to read all the books that have been sitting on my bookshelf, unread.

Online Courses
I'm going to take 6 weeks to finish all of my online courses on Coursera. I've applied to so many courses and I never get the chance to even start most of them.

That's all for now, I guess. Here's a bit of random information about me before I say my goodbyes...
  • I have 5 cats and a dog. 
  • My iPhone has exactly 99.4 MBs left out of 16GB.
  • I'm constantly addicted to games. Sims 3, World of Warcraft, RuneScape, Outwar, UnovaRPG, GPX Plus, and obviously most iPhone games. Introduce me to a game and I'll play with you for, like, ever.
  • My college major right now says "Music Education / Performance" but I'm taking Aviation courses to be an Air Traffic Control and I'm working towards starting a business in Video Game Development with my knowledge in computer programming and business.
  • I am certified in Photoshop and I love making websites.
  • I love writing poetry. If you can find my poetry blog, you win a high-five from me. :P
  • I love taking pictures because that's the only way I remember things.
  • LIGHTS is my role-model and has been for many years.
  • My natural hair color is brown and my natural eye color is green / hazel. I do NOT wear contacts, and if you play with yours in front of me, I will probably throw up.
  • I am very interested in accounting, architecture, massage therapy, reiki, religions other than my own (Catholic), and so many other things. Tell me something new and interesting and I can sit there listening to you for hours.
  • I am very gullible. Possibly because I want to believe that everything is right and good in the world.
  • And last: I really want to help out people. If I can do this in the future as a career, in any way, I will feel fulfilled and happy.
That's it for today, thank you for reading and subscribe to my blog on the top right-hand corner below my "About" section. Love you all :)

Kat <3

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