Letting It Out, Part 1: The Feelings

I don't even know how to start this post...

It's definitely going to be the most painful post in the entire blog, but I know I have to do it eventually. 

And I think it's the right time now.

I've given myself a few days to cool off, and I need to get this all out of my system before I start the challenges.

I can't let these thoughts and feelings get in the way of my goals, and this is the only way I know of letting them out.

I'm going to just write and write and write... Just let everything out of me finally. I'm going to forget everyone else in the world for this one post, and I'm going to write like no one is ever going to read this.

I'm too scared of being judged. I'm too scared of people not liking me. 

But this is me, and whether you like it or not, I will always be me.

I might jump around or pause because my mind just becomes very anxious and emotional and frazzled by all these memories. 

Here's a good place to start: How I Feel. 

I feel like I have no parents. Like they don't want me, and never wanted me.

I feel like it would've been best if I was never born.

I feel unloved and unsheltered and abandoned and betrayed.

I feel alone. 

I feel like God is by my side, but something clouds my view of him when I'm trying to reach out to him most.

I feel empty and depressed. And it's only gotten worse.

I feel stressed.

I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. Like there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

And when I do try to go somewhere in life, I feel like someone holds me back. Pushes me ten steps behind. Brings me down.

I feel like I've been brought up by hypocrites and (since there's a lot of anger still left inside of me, and for lack of a better word) assholes.

"Take responsibility for your actions."

"You won't succeed in that or anything else." 

"You're just like your dad."

"You're just like your mother."

"Bitch." 

I look at the mirror,
And as I look into her eyes,
I don’t see beauty,
Nor do I see honor.
I see pain,
And a deserved death,
For there is nothing good,
Nor anything worth living for.
I see all the flaws.
All the stress and chaos.
I see through the dirty skin,
Into the pained mind.
What I see must be killed,
Tortured enough as it is,
Her body and mind need rest.
Dressed all in black,
Ready to mourn at her own funeral.
Past the tears and sorrow,
This reflection is nothing worth living for.

So… I’m not good enough for you, huh?
I guess I never will be.
Don’t get me wrong, I do try,
And I will keep trying.
But you’re destroying me with each word,
I don’t know if I can last any longer.
You want to know what’s wrong?
Well, your words are depressing me…
…since im starting to believe them.

  

I try to get away from the dark,
But I keep getting pushed in
Deeper and deeper.
I speak my mind,
I say how I feel.
That’s what they want,
Isn’t it?
But they smack me in the face
The moment I say one word.
They’re blind to my sickness,
Caused by their own.
Im not the one that needs to be healed.
They are. They need the understanding.
But that’ll never happen,
So I guess ill just hope for freedom.

Will you take me back?
After all the shit you did to me,
All the pain you caused me,
The depression I am now dealing with…

Will you accept me?
After all the selfishness,
Something you taught me,
Learning to lose friends…

Will you Love me?
Getting revenge through me,
Leaving me in tears,
Destroying me… not her…

Will you be a dad for once?

I’m just a waste of your time
Aren’t I?
All I ever did was ruin your life
And make it harder for you.
That’s all I ever did.
I’ve been a pain in your ass,
A waste of money for court,
A depressing life story to tell.
Well you know what?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for all those times I hurt you.
I’m sorry I was such a horrible daughter.
I’m SO FUCKING SORRY that I made you feel not loved.
Because you know what?
I Love you. So MUCH.
All I live for is to try & make you happy.
But no matter how hard I tried,
It never was enough.
And you know,
I don’t even know why I’m apologizing.
I feel so weak since I’m doing this.
Cuz you’ve hurt me so many times,
And I haven’t felt Loved since you married Alex.
But I don’t care.
I get sad seeing you sad,
Even though it feels like you don’t care when I cry.
And I feel bad when I get you upset,
Even though you think I deserve it I guess.
Do I deserve it mami?
Do I really?
Damn it, I can’t take this anymore.
Just let me go. Kill me.
It’s best thing you could ever do for me.
I’m still, soo very sorry.

You made a fool out of me.
Choking my lungs till there’s no more breath.
Filling me with serotonin,
What should be a cure to my madness.
You made me believe those of which are good
Were evil. Lies you’ve spoken to my veins.
Tears you’ve caused in anger and jealousy.
Well no more of this. I will fight your curse.
I will send it back into you, where it belongs.
I won’t protect you anymore.
I won’t fight your years-old battles.
You will feel the fifteen pains I’ve felt.
And you won’t deserve it.
Just like I never did.

Your confidence in me is very reassuring.

So is the fact that I’m not worth giving to.
Something that used to not matter in the past
Matters now. And it’s all because of my failures.
Am I right? Because I always fail in your eyes.
Even before I actually succeed.
I am always wrong. Always going downhill.
Even though I am trying real hard to be right.
To bring my life up, where it should be.
One day, I will have children of my own.
And I’ll show them the winners they really are.
Because everyone is a winner.
Everyone is right in their own way.
You don’t care to show me that.
You rely on my weaknesses.
But I’ll rely on my childrens’ strengths.
I will Love them with all my heart, and I’ll show it.
I’ll let them grow up strong and free.
I will give them everything I never got from you.

I hate how I read these poems I wrote 4-5 years ago and I still feel those feelings again.

I hate how I need to take hour breaks between writing this post.

Why has this been so painful? And how can I make it go away?

At 13 years old, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and was put on Prozac.

At 13 years old. 

I didn't need any pills.

I wasn't depressed.

What I was, was alone and scared and going through a phase. Like most teenagers.

I needed family and love. Not pills and a label.

Those pills made me worse. I have never felt depression like I did when I was on those pills.

And no one would listen to me. I wanted to stop taking them.

I never wanted to take them to begin with.

I wish someone had seen what was truly wrong, and fixed it before it got worse.

I wish I had ignored everyone, and believed in myself, and accomplished everything I worked towards at the time.

I missed out on so many opportunities for other people.

I did nothing for myself, and now I'm regretting it.

And I really wish my parents had listened more.

With all the therapy I've gone to, and all the different things I've done to try and fix myself, they have never once thought of sitting down and hearing me out and changing themselves.

I've changed myself, many times, for others.

But have they changed for me?

No.

They have heard and seen all the pain I've been going through. How depressed I am. How stressed out I get. How painful it's been for me.

Have they done anything?

No. 

I feel like I do so much for people. I change, I help, I love, I support, I cheer on, I encourage, I do anything and everything I can possibly think of to make them happy and help them or just be there for them or just not harm them.

There's a video I really like, and I'm going to post it for everyone to watch.

One thing I try to live by is this: If I really can't find a way to be nice to someone, just stay quiet and don't harm them.

I have never, ever tried to purposely harm a person. If I've hurt people or upset them, it was completely by accident or I was being extremely ignorant.

And here's the thing. I can admit to my mistakes, to my ignorance and stupidity, and apologize.

And I continue to try to please the people in my life that just cannot find it within themselves to do the same.

If you hurt me, and you know it. Apologize. Sincerely apologize. I will accept it like a gift.

Why is it so hard as humans to accept the fact that we did wrong and make it right? Fix your mistakes. That's what life is about.

I feel used. I feel unappreciated by most. I feel like I try to hard for those who don't even try at all. 

And I've been around those type of people for too long...

I want to be with people who love me, appreciate me, care for me... and know how to show it.

My boyfriend and his family are those people. And I keep hoping and wishing for my family to be like that, but it's just pointless. I need to accept things the way they are and move on with my life. I need to surround myself with friends and family that are kind and loving and always there for me, like my boyfriend and his family. And I need to stop worrying about those that hurt me. I can't change anyone. I can't change the way things are, and I have to accept that. And that's the hardest part.
I want this everyday:

"I was listening to the radio's phone tap like we do every morning and I was laughing so much. I wanted to see your smile, so I looked over at the passenger seat and all I saw was my book-bag... I missed you so much in the car ride to school this morning. You are such a big part of my life and I love you so much. You are so amazing, and you are the most gorgeous girl I have ever met. I really mean it when I say I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you..."

I want a love like that from everyone, everyday... Because that's the same love I give to those that let me into their lives and into their hearts. And I really am so grateful to have my boyfriend in my life. He showed me to love myself again. He showed me that there's people that will love me the same way I love others. There's people that will be here for me and appreciate me... I just need to find those people. He taught me to see the light at the end of the tunnel: 

"Everything will work out. I have faith in you. I know you will go far in life, I really do think so. You are such an amazing person."

Both of those quotes are from a few days ago. I had stayed home and slept all day... It's been hard getting up in the morning, but I'm glad I've been doing so since then. I'm glad I have a day to live through, and a boyfriend as amazing as he is. <3
 

I'm going to leave you off with a 6 part video by Leo Buscaglia. Please watch it with your family and friends and anyone that's in your life. It's a really heart-warming and life-changing video.

I'll continue the next part of this post tomorrow. Thank you for reading this.

Speaking of Love - Leo Buscaglia 

Love you all.

Kat <3