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Thursday, March 07, 2013

I Believe In You

I received a $100 donation on GoFundMe from a fellow LifeKraze user <3

I cannot even begin to explain my gratitude and appreciation to him, and to everyone that has donated and helped me out.

So this is the theme for today's post.

Generous, loving, kind, helpful people and their random acts of kindness and why I want to be exactly like them.

Let me start off by telling you the comment this person left...
"Work hard. I believe in you,"
So not only did this person give a very generous donation, but he believes in me too. That's all I could ever ask for, and I just cannot stop re-reading his comment and smiling! 
I kept his name private since he put his comment & donation as anonymous.

Everyone has a dream... We all have something we want to accomplish in our lives. And I know we all want to feel like we did something with our lives and hear those words everyday: "You did it!"

But imagine trying to follow your dream, or do something with your life, with no confidence, no support, no encouragement, with nothing. It's really hard, and it honestly really sucks.

Just hearing those words from someone, "I believe in you." Just having support and encouragement from someone... It gives you the confidence you need to keep going. And I want to give that to others.

I really hope Serenity Online grows into something big. I want it to be my own way of giving back to everyone who helped me, and even to those who brought me down. There's a reason why those people are negative, and I want to help them out of it. I want to give and give and give... And just forget about getting anything in return. I will have everything I want when I am helping others unconditionally.

I know a lot of people that love their job, and make a good living out of it. I want my job to change the world and the people in it. If I can help at least one person a day in my career, then I will be the most satisfied worker in the world.

I know I've been going off on a tangent about this, but it really just gives me so much happiness. I try to help people currently by giving advice and being there for them, but I don't feel like it's enough. 
Even though money doesn't buy happiness, I know it helps. I want to help the homeless, the sick, the poor, the people with ideas and the people with negativity in their lives. I want to help them, and bring them up. All it takes is one person. And I want to be that person. And I want to recruit more people and teach them how to help out. It takes one little action to make a huge difference.

I remember in 7th grade, I was walking out of school. There was this boy sitting there on the ledge, alone, and he seemed pretty bored and sad. I went up to him and introduced myself and had a very good conversation with him. My parents showed up, and I had to go... So I ended the conversation with "You're a really cool person, I'm glad I met you today." I left him with a big smile on his face <3

Years later, after not seeing or talking him at all after that incident, he found me on Facebook and explained to me what I hadn't noticed before.
That day, he had been very depressed and suicidal. He was constantly bullied in school, and that day had been the worst, and his parents were never there for him (I think they were alcoholics, but I won't go into detail).
He had planned to kill himself once he got home, and my last sentence changed his life.
"Someone believes in me. Someone likes me. I'm actually not alone."
I'm really glad he didn't do anything to hurt himself, and I'm extremely glad that I was the one that stopped it, even if I didn't know it at the time.

The suicide rates and statistics are just unbelievable and really sad. These people kill themselves because they have no hope, and no one to believe in them and help them up. These people need help. They need comfort and friends and family and support. They feel alone and scared and hopeless. There's a fog in front of their eyes and they can't see a way out.

Here's a really good article I found. This is a very accurate description of how depression feels:


I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:

You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt.  Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.
I want to help people that feel that way.

Why?

Because I've felt like that for so many years. And it took so long to get the help I needed. It took so long for me to realize that I am AMAZING, and no one can tell me otherwise. So many people believe in me. So many people will support me and encourage me. I just need to find the right people.

I want to make a difference. I want to lower suicide rates. And I am so, so lucky. I would've been one of those statistics if I didn't have people around me wanting to help.

I want you all to know, whether you donate or read this blog or write to me or just wish me the best in your hearts and prayers... You are helping someone, so much.

Find time today to just smile at someone. Smiling is contagious. You never know... You may make a difference in a person's day, or even their life.

And even if you're having a rough time, just smile. Fool yourself. Smile at the world like there's nothing wrong, and believe that everything will turn out okay in the end.

Everything happens for a reason. If something is taken away from you, just know that it just made room for something better.

Have a good day everyone, I shall leave you with one of my favorite quotes. Love you all :)

"At the end of the day, the only questions I will ask myself are... Did I love enough? Did I laugh enough? Did I make a difference?" - Katrina Mayer on Pinterest

Kat <3


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