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Friday, April 12, 2013

Happiness Through the Eyes of the Depressed

My boyfriend and a friend were discussing the times they've seen me "depressed" and they were trying to decide which time was the "worst" they've seen me very depressed...

But what really is the "worst"?

I could just be having a bad day and feeling down in the dumps about it. Or my life could be perfectly fine, but I'm just feeling depressed anyways. I really can't decide which one is worse. They're both equally excruciating.

In one situation, life just seems to get worse and worse. Like there's no way out or no hope for any positive outcomes. Everyone's against me. Everything is wrong. I'm just the worst thing happening, a complete mistake and bundle of negativity. And of course, I'm stressed or sad or angry at whatever is going on.

Then on the other hand, everything is going well and things are the way they should be and I should be happy... But I'm not. I feel an emptiness and a loneliness that shouldn't be there at all. Hopelessness is another common feeling, but for no reason at all... I should be happy, but I'm not and it's impossible to force it or fake it.

Both situations happen. I can handle the second one better than the first, mainly because I don't have anything to react to. The first situation is caused by something negative happening in my life, and I usually don't make great decisions during these emotional times. 

So I guess if I really had to choose, it'd be the second situation... But just saying that makes me want to take it back... You really don't know how it feels until you feel it, and it really really sucks. You don't know why it's happening, but it's there and, at the moment, it doesn't seem like you can fix it or change it. You find yourself constantly thinking, things will never get better.

I just want to be happy, and for once I think I'm starting to figure it out.

It's actually a quote I read: "Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to things and people that stress you out."

I've been looking at my life from a 3rd person perspective, and I've realized that it's so easy to get rid of the current stresses in my life. With the exception of moving out and my car insurance, I can say no to the rest of the things that stress me out...

No, to school issues: I'm in the wrong major. I'm not doing what I've always wanted to do, which was music and computers. I can't be an air traffic controller even if I was the last person on earth. Thank you to that asshole psychiatrist that diagnosed a 13 year old with Major Depression and forced Prozac down my throat... As much as I wanted to work as an ATC, I have to let it go. I'm going to go to school for music starting next semester when I figure everything out :)

No to family & friends: Sometimes I do too much for them and not enough for me. I need to set my priorities straight, school and work coming first. Once I get those things done in the day, then I'll focus on the rest. That's definitely been stressing me out. I'm also tired of my family volunteering me for things that are just completely out of the way or change my schedule completely. I have school. I have work. Tell me ahead of time so I can plan things out in advance. I hate last minute plans and changes, it's just too stressful for me right now.

No to too many responsibilities: I need to learn what I can and cannot handle, and communicate that with others. I have a hard time with this because I don't want to let anyone down, so I'll have to work on it. I honestly want more time for my Serenity Online game, along with my blog, research and tropical smoothie jobs.

There's probably a huge list of things I could say no to, but I'm going to leave it at my top three stresses right now. Let me know what you're letting go of or bringing into your life this month. And if you need encouragement, join me over at LifeKraze! :)

Love you all.

Kat <3

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