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Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Beauty School Drop Out, Go Back to... Where?

Serenity Online was featured in a blog post / article yesterday by my friend, Melisa Borges, over at New Scoops

It's really exciting to see someone not only write about Serenity Online, but also support it and also share the same enthusiasm as I feel for this project.

I've found a lot of support for Serenity Online, but there's one thing that's been bugging me a lot recently, and that's something Melisa actually addressed in her post: College and getting a degree.

I haven't been doing so well in my classes... Or let me just admit it: I haven't been going at all.

Here's how it started off: I started my first semester great. I had Speech, Psychology (mini-term), Percussion Ensemble, Music Theory, and Piano Lessons. Music Theory is the only class I really skipped a lot, but I always got the work done and aced all the quizzes and tests. 

I went to New Jersey for a family event, and got stuck up there for Hurricane Sandy for a week. Three of my flights back to miami, cancelled. There was nothing I could do about it.

Speech was the first to drop me, even though I constantly tried to contact the teacher. It was the only class I attended 100%, studied the hardest for, worked the most in, and it was the first to go. Then the others I just stopped caring about.

I have a tendency to get super overwhelmed and stressed, and then just not do anything about it. I get locked up, or frozen. I don't know. I've been trying to learn how to deal with things in a better fashion recently, but school has been my worst enemy.

Second semester: Starts off great. Re-taking Speech with a different and better teacher, Psychology with the same awesome teacher, and then two Air Traffic Control courses, Aviation Meteorology and Intro to Air Traffic Control.

Those two Aviation courses overwhelmed me. I was the only person that didn't know a thing about science, weather, aviation, anything related whatsoever, and no one seemed to stop and explain the little details to the newbie. Did not enjoy those classes whatsoever, but speech and psychology were going super well. I remember my boyfriend counting the days of my perfect attendance.

One week, I got extremely depressed and - boom - 0% attendance. I locked myself up in my room during those rough weeks and disappeared from humanity. That happens often. Honestly, I can't even call it a "rough" week, I just got depressed out of no where, and for no reason. Everything was going well and I had been pretty happy beforehand. But I entered the slump... And when I do, I just don't know how to get back in. I feel so behind on course work and quizzes and people... I make myself worse off than I was in the first place.

I've thought of changing schools. Going to the University my boyfriend goes to. My parents and grandma are all for it. I'm there everyday anyways, it sounds like a great idea...

Not so sure anymore.

I've been sitting into his Computer Programming class. Started off great. At some point, I got super lost and super discouraged. I'm afraid to even look at Javascript, and that's not even what they're covering in the class. I got frustrated with the material. And then even better, the lab assistant of that class passed away, so now I'm just upset that I never asked her for more help on it.

I feel hopeless. I know I need to get help before I can start school. I've always had this problem, the earliest that I remember being 4th grade. I'm either late, or never at school.

I've thought of dropping out of college. It sounds like the worst idea ever. It scares me. Terrifies me. Everyone else will agree that it's a wrong decision, that studying is the most important thing right now in my life. Forget the three jobs I have, I need to go to school...
Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg; all successful businessmen and founders of worldwide recognized companies like Microsoft, Apple, and Facebook. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure out they, at some point, swam in pools of cash. 
Though successful, these men have something very much in common. All are College dropouts. 
This quote from News Scoops gives me very mixed feelings, and starts up the "What If?" game in my head.

What if I drop out and everything works out? What if I become the next Bill Gates? 

What if I drop out and my life goes to crap? What if I fail? What if I make the wrong decisions?

I've seen a lot of inspiration quotes and pictures saying that say I need to go for it, because making a mistake is going farther than not doing anything at all. But what if it's a huge mistake? Something I can't fix? Something that's hard to fix or will cost me a lot? I'm not even sure. I'm just so anxious about the future and about my current decisions that it just causes me stress on a daily basis.

College causes me stress. I don't feel smart enough. I get frustrated when I don't understand and no one explains it to me. I can ask questions and still never understand. Is it me? What do I have to do differently? Or should I just give up on college, post-pone it, or take a break? Or is that just the complete opposite of what I should be doing?

And what should I study? I'm interested in so many things... Computers, Architecture, Music, Beauty, Fitness, Speech, Psychology, Writing, Business, Finance... The list goes on. What if I've just been studying the wrong subject? What if I waste my time trying out every single subject I'm interested until I find the right one? What if I'm not good at any one subject at all...

So many questions... If only college could teach how to live your life and find your destiny before you screw it up.

... Or maybe have someone sing to me their advice.

Love you all.

Kat <3


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